If life was like my Instagram feed

It would be pretty damn perfect. #Blessed even. And not in the ironic way that is my general preference.

My house would be tidy and styled to within an inch of its on trend life. Not just in the one corner in which I choose to arrange the only three stylish items I even own. That were given to me by someone else. #lucky

My walk-in wardrobe wouldn’t look like a catastrophic clothes grenade had just detonated at will, taking the odd mismatched shoe with it as collateral damage.

My kids would have clean faces.

And clean clothes.

Stylish ones.

#swag

My daughter wouldn’t be dressed like a crazy homeless princess, my son wouldn’t have lost his finger to the dark and lonely crevice of his own nostril for approximately 35 hours a day (that’s how long days are, right???) and my baby wouldn’t have torn up my Better Homes & Gardens magazine and eaten the evidence.

In fact, I wouldn’t even be reading Better Homes & Gardens. I’d be reading Vogue. Vogue Living even.

Reading. Hahahahaha. Because that is a thing that happens in my life.

#notreally.

But if my life was like my Instagram feed it would.

I would read intellectual books with authors of literary acclaim and with pretty covers. Or design magazines, because I’d be a stylish person who cared about #fashion.

My chosen reading material would be artfully placed; nonchalantly thrown on a tabletop next to a Michael Kors purse and the bunch of flowers I had just received #soblessed, as I casually enjoyed a coffee while it was hot #relaxing.

If life was like my Instagram feed then I wouldn’t just pin crafty activities and games on Pinterest to do with my kids, I’d actually DO them. And I’d have the presence of mind to photograph us doing them. At my leisure. Because the kids would stay quietly engrossed in the activity for an hour, instead of getting bored in less time than it took me to set up it up in the first place. #mumlife

And they’d be wearing those stylish, clean clothes I mentioned.

And we’d always be smiling and and laughing and bright with low shadow and high contrast and no one would superglue their hand to the leg of the chair and there would be no train stuck in anyone’s hair. #oops

I would eat amazing food. All.the.time. No corner deli sausage roll or packet of cheezels. No sandwich crusts by way of lunch. Bircher muesli would be a thing that I ate (and I’d actually know what it was) instead of the porridge my kid didn’t eat that I absent mindedly stuck in the fridge for later but forgot about and am now scraping into the bin three weeks after the fact (but that still looks deceptively like Bircher muesli). And sometimes I’d serve drinks in mason jars #hipstergram, instead of sippy cups #sipstergram

#dressinggownstagram (aka a hashtag used by approximately no one)

If life was like my Instagram feed, people would always see me at a certain angle, in a certain light. And I definitely wouldn’t apply the dress code ‘pyjama casual’ to my every day life.

My skin tone would have a constant flawless Valencia glow, rather than an I-can-count-the-amount-of-times-I-sat-down-today-on-one-hand greyish tinge of how long has that wrinkle been there? #nofilter #exceptthethreefiltersiused #tomakeitlookliketherewasnofilter

If life was like my Instagram, people would see me just as I’d like them to, I’d always be my #selfie.

Everything would be a delightful shade of muted, palatable pastel, unless the foreground mismatched the background or was particularly lurid and in opposition with my general desired aesthetic, in which case…. Black and white it is! #artistic #visionary

If life was like my Instagram feed then we’d always be in perfect places, with pretty background scenery #blessed #AGAIN #sorrynotsorry. We’d go on holidays all the time and I would never have to try and catch someone’s vomit in my bare hands while we were travelling there. #madskillz

If life was like my Instagram feed, I’d have 852 friends and I wouldn’t even have to see them to be liked!

My eyes would be Amaro blue, anything that wasn’t quite right I could crop out and there would always be the option to delete the things I didn’t like.