It would be pretty damn perfect. #Blessed even. And not in the ironic way that is my general preference.
My house would be tidy and styled to within an inch of its on trend life. Not just in the one corner in which I choose to arrange the only three stylish items I even own. That were given to me by someone else. #lucky
My walk-in wardrobe wouldn’t look like a catastrophic clothes grenade had just detonated at will, taking the odd mismatched shoe with it as collateral damage.
My kids would have clean faces.
And clean clothes.
Stylish ones.
#swag
My daughter wouldn’t be dressed like a crazy homeless princess, my son wouldn’t have lost his finger to the dark and lonely crevice of his own nostril for approximately 35 hours a day (that’s how long days are, right???) and my baby wouldn’t have torn up my Better Homes & Gardens magazine and eaten the evidence.
In fact, I wouldn’t even be reading Better Homes & Gardens. I’d be reading Vogue. Vogue Living even.
Reading. Hahahahaha. Because that is a thing that happens in my life.
#notreally.
But if my life was like my Instagram feed it would.
I would read intellectual books with authors of literary acclaim and with pretty covers. Or design magazines, because I’d be a stylish person who cared about #fashion.
My chosen reading material would be artfully placed; nonchalantly thrown on a tabletop next to a Michael Kors purse and the bunch of flowers I had just received #soblessed, as I casually enjoyed a coffee while it was hot #relaxing.
If life was like my Instagram feed then I wouldn’t just pin crafty activities and games on Pinterest to do with my kids, I’d actually DO them. And I’d have the presence of mind to photograph us doing them. At my leisure. Because the kids would stay quietly engrossed in the activity for an hour, instead of getting bored in less time than it took me to set up it up in the first place. #mumlife
And they’d be wearing those stylish, clean clothes I mentioned.
And we’d always be smiling and and laughing and bright with low shadow and high contrast and no one would superglue their hand to the leg of the chair and there would be no train stuck in anyone’s hair. #oops
I would eat amazing food. All.the.time. No corner deli sausage roll or packet of cheezels. No sandwich crusts by way of lunch. Bircher muesli would be a thing that I ate (and I’d actually know what it was) instead of the porridge my kid didn’t eat that I absent mindedly stuck in the fridge for later but forgot about and am now scraping into the bin three weeks after the fact (but that still looks deceptively like Bircher muesli). And sometimes I’d serve drinks in mason jars #hipstergram, instead of sippy cups #sipstergram

If life was like my Instagram feed, people would always see me at a certain angle, in a certain light. And I definitely wouldn’t apply the dress code ‘pyjama casual’ to my every day life.
My skin tone would have a constant flawless Valencia glow, rather than an I-can-count-the-amount-of-times-I-sat-down-today-on-one-hand greyish tinge of how long has that wrinkle been there? #nofilter #exceptthethreefiltersiused #tomakeitlookliketherewasnofilter
If life was like my Instagram, people would see me just as I’d like them to, I’d always be my #selfie.
Everything would be a delightful shade of muted, palatable pastel, unless the foreground mismatched the background or was particularly lurid and in opposition with my general desired aesthetic, in which case…. Black and white it is! #artistic #visionary
If life was like my Instagram feed then we’d always be in perfect places, with pretty background scenery #blessed #AGAIN #sorrynotsorry. We’d go on holidays all the time and I would never have to try and catch someone’s vomit in my bare hands while we were travelling there. #madskillz
If life was like my Instagram feed, I’d have 852 friends and I wouldn’t even have to see them to be liked!
My eyes would be Amaro blue, anything that wasn’t quite right I could crop out and there would always be the option to delete the things I didn’t like.

But truth be told, my life isn’t really like my Instagram feed.
And I’m actually kinda glad. #justsayin
My life is the behind the scenes, my life is lived from the cutting room floor.
My life is the moments in between.
The blurry, the movement, the love, the imperfection, the mess and the occasional gravity defying cereal box.
So my life isn’t as pretty and filtered and aesthetically pleasing and #perfect as my Instagram feed.
But it’s still pretty damn great. #truestory
I love this post. It’s a great reminder to all mums that life isn’t in the perfectly captured and cropped pictures on instantgram. it’s messy but it’s fun (well maybe not the catching vomit bit 😜)
LikeLike
Lol I mean you can even make catching vomit fun if you try hard enough 😂😂 lol I’m glad you liked it! Xxx
LikeLike
Ummm, not sure what fucked up world you’re living in but I do ALL of those things and then some. *sips green smoothie from mason jar*
LikeLiked by 1 person
I KNEW you would.. The bum bag is a charade. I’ve seen inside your house you know.. I know you’re fucking cool!!!! I loathe you.
LikeLike
Aaaannnd now I sound like a stalker “I’ve seen inside your house you know…..” 😂😂😂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Um, this is a bit awkward?! Hahaha!
LikeLike
Oh to live in the world of Instagram. That would be good, but fake, with lots of colourful filters on top of us, weighing us down. But still kinda good. But not as good as real life 🙂
LikeLike
I kinda wish I could carry a filter around with me everywhere because fuccccckkk I look better in Valencia I’m not gonna lie
LikeLike
Brilliant! I wish I had a walk in wardrobe, even if it did look like a grenade had gone off in it! *sigh*
LikeLike
Get outta town (“I can do Marvin the Martian!”) this is my favourite post to date. LOVE IT! You are toooo funny (#lolstagram) and your #swag is off the charts!
Great writing, so much truth being told and I lurve the sentiment at the end. Love this blog to bits! Xoxo
LikeLike
Oh yay! This makes me happier than a man bun! I’m so glad you liked it 🙂 xxxxx
LikeLike
Too funny! Life with kids is just perfect isn’t it!? 🙂
LikeLike
Great post! Love the train stuck in the hair and non fussed look on your little one’s face… so true.
LikeLike