2. Real pain is when you offer someone some of your food to be polite and they actually take it.
3. I don’t call anyone. I’m basically paying $100 a month to decline incoming calls, forget to reply to text messages and look at memes.
4. Coconut water is disgusting so let’s all just stop lying to ourselves.
5. Sometimes I listen to strangers’ conversations and mentally give my opinion.
6. “As fuck” is my favourite unit of measurement.
7. I’m pretty certain whoever figured out you can make a cake in a mug in under a minute must really have been going through some shit.
8. When plastic bags become currency, I will be queen.
9. If we’re in the car and I love the song on the radio and you turn it down to tell me something then please know that I hate you now.
10. Every time I sit down in the hair salon chair in my plastic cape after a shampoo I wonder if I’ve always been this ugly.
11. Anytime I get into the car I check the backseat for murderers.
12. Only three kinds of snakes scare me. 1. Big snakes. 2. Little snakes. 3. Sticks that look like snakes.
13. I’m a huge fan of screaming “you’re welcome” really loudly when people don’t say thank you.
14. My sense of humour earns me countless uncomfortable stares.
15. I react faster to the beginning notes of a One Direction song than I do a ball coming at my face.
16. I watch 9life purely so I can send my husband informative text messages when he’s out on a Saturday night that detail vital information like “housing in Panama is very cost effective”.
17. I always feel weirdly proud when my wee is clear. Like yeah bitch, I’m so damn hydrated.
18. I like to remind my husband how long forever is by correcting his grammar when we argue.
19. If you want to talk to me on the phone, I’m going to need at least three days notice. [See point 3][I don’t use it for that]
20. I accidentally punch myself in the face while pulling up my blanket quite regularly and if that doesn’t accurately describe my life, I don’t know what does.
21. I always thought I’d be a patient mum and then I watched my son zip his own jacket.
22. If you ever wake me up by turning on the lights, there’s 100% chance I’ve already started planning 8 different ways to kill you.
23. When the fucker in front of me is driving slowly I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I’m not the asshole
24. I never delete messages. Just in case someone decides to act differently, like you weren’t saying that on March 14, 2009, at 2:31pm.
25. I can look you dead in the face and not hear a damn word you said.
26. Please do not go through my camera roll, there’s nothing inappropriate, I just don’t want you to see how many selfies I take.
27. I’m that person who constantly jiggles their leg. Sorry.
28. I’d rather spend 10 minutes rearranging the dishwasher than spend 10 seconds washing the one cup that didn’t fit.
29. People who say “it’s too cold for ice cream” are people I don’t need in my life.
30. I do my best proof reading after I hit send.
31. I get road rage walking behind people.
32. Me before shaving: ugh.
Me after shaving: I am smooth and perfect. I am sleek. I am the dolphin. I am the rider of ice. Nobody can touch me, I cannot be touched. I am so fast. Nobody could ever touch me.
33. Instead of picking up a tiny piece of paper on the floor I’d rather run my vacuum over it 100 times from different angles.
34. I like to think that having money wouldn’t change me, but when I’m winning at monopoly, I’m a horrible person.
35. I remember way too many small details about people so I have to act dumb sometimes so I don’t freak them out.
36. I spend 2% of my life trying to figure out where bruises on my legs came from.
37. I yell “stay” at objects that keep falling over.
38. I’m at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do.
39. I’m worried if I give up coffee I’ll take up murder.
40. Asking me if I’m hungry is like asking me if I want money.
41. When someone compliments my outfit I frantically tell them where and when I bought it, how much I spent and what colours it comes in.
42. If overthinking things burnt calories I’d be dead.
43. I find it hard to believe we once had a phone attached to a wall. When it rang, I’d pick it up without knowing who was calling. Amazing I’m still alive.
44. I talk an awful lot of smack for someone who tips over when putting on their underwear.
45. If I’m ever sad, I just remember the earth is 4 billion years old and I managed to exist at the same time as harry styles.
46. I drive more safely when there’s food in my passenger seat than when there’s an actual person there.
47. My brain is amazing. It functions 24/7 and has done so since the day I was born and only stops when I talk to someone attractive.
48. Hearing my own voice on recording makes me want to apologise to every single person I’ve ever spoken to. I’m really sorry.
49. I never sing in the shower because singing leads to dancing and dancing leads to slipping and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.
50. My brain at 3am: let me offer you a selection of the catchiest song lyrics from the last thirty years.
Brain: YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND BABY RIGHT ROUND
PS you’re probably going to have that song in your head all day now. #sorrynotsorry