In actual fact, some may argue that Mummy Pig isn’t only a better mother than I am; she’s also a better wife, a better woman, nay, all round human being.
Except… that she’s not.
A human being that is.
All those other things she most definitely is.
I know, I know…say it isn’t sow! But [naturally], I have irrefutable proof in the form of ridiculous examples I’ve come up with while I lie awake at night trying to distract my brain from convincing me I have a disease that I need to Google.
Aaaaaand here they are.
1. Mummy Pig is chill AF
Unless there are some missing tapes somewhere [#piggate], there is no record of Mummy Pig silently mouthing “fuck youuuuuuu” behind Peppa’s back [even though Peppa is without shadow of a doubt an obnoxious little gobshite].
Mummy Pig doesn’t flip her lid about repetitive singing of the bloody bing bong song in the same manner as I have been known to have emotional breakdowns over “Let it Go”.
She never gets salty with Daddy Pig and his lazy bastard ways; not even one time have I heard her turn around and say to Daddy Pig, as he lounges on his recliner in front of the TV eating his feelings away “FFS are you shitting me??”
Mummy Pig never has muddy puddle laundry related overreactions. The type of overreactions that may well be my life legacy. Although I would hazard a guess Mummy Pig is using name brand laundry liquid [not powder] and probably sprays and soaks before a wash cycle. It just makes sense, because Mummy Pig sure as shit doesn’t take the lazy way out. [Stage whisper: like I do]
Mummy Pig doesn’t over analyse or obsess over George’s inability to say anything but “grr dinosaur”. Should George be going to a speech therapist? Does George have sensory processing issues? Is George gluten intolerant? Is George taking the piss? We’ll never know! Because Mummy Pig DGAF; she breezily disregards George’s glaringly obvious delays and doesn’t freak the fuck out that he’s only been saying two words FOR. LIKE. YEARS. More power to you Mummy Pig 🙌🙌🙌. You are so chill you practically require a microwave defrost.
2. Mummy Pig doesn’t have vices
I mean for all we know. Maybe there is a bit of netflix and swill happening of an evening…
But do you ever see Mummy Pig refusing to acknowledge anyone until she’s had her morning coffee?
Do you ever see Mummy Pig sitting down binge watching episodes of I’m charcuterie get me out of here, or The Baa-chelor or Oink is the new Black?
And Mummy Pig is never too busy looking at her instagr-ham to respond when a small person says her name forty six times in a row or repetitively asks her the same question [only louder] that she’s already answered five times in the space of twenty four seconds.
Although, pretty sure if Mummy Pig did have instagr-ham she’d be posting insufferable daily photos of Peppa and George’s bento playgroup lunch boxes. Because; obviously. 🙄
3. Mummy Pig does it all
Mummy Pig isn’t “just a mum”my pig, she also brings home the bacon… so to speak. [chortle chortle]
Whilst we aren’t privy to what she actually does in her work from home capacity, given the amount of time she spends on her computer, I’d like to wager that she’s a mummy blogger. One with more followers than me, loads of lucrative sponsorship deals [probably Lorna Jane who STILL have not been in contact to initiate discussions about my as yet unconfirmed entirely hypothetical brand ambassador role that I made up for myself 🙄🙄] and a shit ton of social media shares. And yet still she somehow manages to stay as cool as the proverbial cucumber when Peppa breaks her computer!?? [See also: Mummy Pig is chill AF].
When George has cold, Mummy Pig doesn’t just ship him off to playgroup anyway with a conspiratorial pat on the back, a bit of Panadol and a nose-blowing-away of the evidence like the rest of us. She calls an at home doctor and nurses George back to health with watchful rest and cool flannels and.. I dunno, Happy Mrs Chicken [noodle] soup or some other shit I wouldn’t do if my kid had a cold because he threw his rain hat off outside after I specifically told him not to.
4. Mummy Pig is supportive
Mummy Pig agreed to buy a house on a hill FFS. Clearly this was Daddy’s idea.
Speaking of which; Mummy Pig also isn’t having an affair with manly, capable, always seems to show up everywhere they go Mr Bull. [To be fair, nor am I having an affair, but my husband isn’t as inept as Daddy Pig. Mummy Pig married down].
Mummy Pig is also totally supportive of Peppa’s codependent relationship with Suzy “the snake” Sheep, despite the fact that Suzy is the worst best friend who ever best friended.
5. Mummy Pig is confident
Mummy pig feels confident in a bikini on the beach. You never see Mummy Pig inching towards the waters edge with her towel around her waist until she can throw herself into the freezing water in a torturous half a second desperate modesty plunge so no one on the beach sees her. I suppose why wouldn’t she be confident when she’s somehow managing to shove fourteen boobs into one itsy bitsy teeny weeny bandeau bikini top. #madskills #whenyougotitflauntit
Nor is Mummy Pig intimated by her multi talented mummy friends; not even helicopter flying, bus driving, dental nursing, recycle centre operating, train driving, [probable tax evading] librarian Miss Rabbit. Mummy Pig doesn’t have to be all things to all people. Mummy Pig is enough.
So there you have it. I mean, I’ve presented the [extensive] evidence. Take it in people. The proof is laid out in front of you. And when all is said and done, quite frankly Mummy Pig commands more attention than I do in my own home. When my kids hear Mummy Pig, they come running. The same cannot be said for when I’m hoarse and blue faced with silent rage that I’ve called them for dinner eighty nine times and they still haven’t shown up.
But I mean, whatever. It’s no big deal. Mummy Pig shmummy pig. I’ll take it all with a pinch of salt. And thyme. For five hours in a moderate oven…
This piece was originally written for Kidspot