In the interests of total transparency, I’ve only watched the first 15 minutes of a Marie Kondo episode on Netflix and to be honest, thinking about being inspired to clean up sounds, like… really tiring to me.
What I’ve deduced from the few minutes of watching what appears to be the most uptight person in the world ethereally thanking old underwear for serving their purpose, is that if I apply the Marie Kondo method to my life, I’d be standing pantsless in my empty home in a Hanson t-shirt from 1997, surrounded by every book I’ve ever owned.
I’ve watched on as friends and family members embraced the calm, minimalist goddesses within and KonMari’d the shit out of their lives and whilst I’m impressed and somewhat intrigued that they roll their tea towels instead of folding them now, I feel like for me, a real life Marie Kondo’ing of my home would basically just be me throwing away all my husbands old Van Halen t-shirts from his Uni days.
In wondering how I could possibly immerse myself in this current global phenomenon (call it FOMO if you will), knowing that there was absolutely no chance of me even acknowledging the clothes on my “chairdrobe” in the corner of my bedroom, let alone folding them in a special, easy to achieve, 137 step process of making everything rectangular and yet somehow also cylindrical, I wondered what else I could apply the KonMari method to in my life.
And, like I do in most situations when I can’t think of anything to do/say/think, I opened my Instagram.
Marie Kondo proclaims that “the question of what you want to own, is actually the question of how you want to live your life”. So, I asked myself, is this statement really such a far cry from “the question of who you want to follow, is actually the question of how you want to live your life”? I’m going to say, no, no it’s not.
And as such, my 5-step process of Marie Kondo’ing your Instagram was born.
My powers of deduction have extrapolated that KonMari hinges on the concept of sparking joy. Or… I got this information from every internet meme that’s ever been made about Marie Kondo. Tomayto, Tomahto.
If you’re like me, your Instagram following is a trash pile. Set that shit on fire, girlfriend! Or in the native dialect of KonMari: if it doesn’t spark joy, get rid of it.
So there goes like 92% of my following who are on a 7-day juice cleanse and are exclusively sponsored by Skinny Tea or have the last name Kardashian.
Realistically speaking, how many people do you follow that are aspirational and how many people just make you feel like a cellulite covered failure who isn’t living up to your potential living room styling goals?
Following the Marie Kondo methodology, you need to perform this… unfollow cleanse if you will… all at one time, not bit by bit. Set aside a good 4 hours to sit on Instagram (lol. Otherwise known as every evening on my couch while I’m pretending to listen to my husband speak) to go through all the people you follow.
In years gone by we would have asked ourselves if we would have a coffee with these people? Do we know them in real life? Do we even like them? Is this the girl our ex-boyfriend cheated on us with in 2002?
But in this changing 2019 KonMari landscape, instead you need to visualise your destination.
Set goals like “I never want to see a bathroom selfie with a heavily applied snap chat filter again” or “I picture a life where I no longer have to be apprised of someone’s mediocre badly lit pics of their own lunch”.
And in doing so, I’m starting to wonder if I need to unfollow myself… is that even a thing?
Like it or not, there are certain politics associated with unfollowing people on Instagram. It’s considered… unfriendly. Confrontational even. Some may even say; it makes you an asshole. *shrug*
So, if there are people who aren’t sparking aforementioned joy for you, that you can’t unfollow because they’re like… a family member or something entirely tedious like that, you can mute them!
Haven’t we all wished we could apply the mute button on someone in real life? This is about as close as you can get.
So, if unfollowing isn’t an option because it would make dinner with your in laws really awkward all of a sudden, mute them instead. And the best part is, they’ll never know!
Create a close friends list
You can narrow down who is seeing your uploads too if you really want to get serious about this.
I figure, creating a close friends list is the social media equivalent of the Marie Kondo method of showing gratitude.
Say buh-bye to those that are zapping your joy and keep only those in your close friends list that you make you happy, bring you love, and, you know… write complimentary comments about that random photo of the side of your kid’s head you posted in your Instagram feed.
Stop your Instagram notifications! Immediately! Now! Go! Run!
This will eliminate noise (aka “clutter”) in your life, you’ll be less tempted to open the app all the time. You’ll get less interruptions in your life from potential joy sucking mean girls you haven’t seen since year 7 and their baby gender reveal party that you don’t give a shit about.
Of course, if you’ve already committed to the life changing magic of unfollowing, you’ll have binned the people you are no longer delighting in already and the lack of intrusive notifications will just be an added bonus for your mental (and literal) battery life.
Your scroll stats are literally at your fingertips. Google “track activity on Instagram” so I don’t have to waste your time providing you with the tedious details of “how to” which is, frankly, not my forte.
Might I warn you, having this information is equal parts horrifying and traumatising. Once you know how much time you’ve been wasting idly scrolling and double tapping however, you can set up a daily reminder to notify you once you’ve hit a self-imposed time limit. This will prevent you from logging in once you’ve hit the limit, which sounds an awful lot like my mum taking my Nokia 5110 away when I spent too long playing snake, but whatever. If this is what you need to motivate you to make a change and de-clutter your brain space, do it!
If all else fails, and you’re not quite ready for the life changing magic of unfollowing, you can always fold your phone into a rectangle (conveniently, it probably already is one. This KonMari shit is working, I’m more efficient already!) and stick it in a draw.