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Well if a toilet is gonna be this pretty, you better be damn sure I’m gonna spend half my time taking photos of myself pretending to poop! 😂😂

Who me?? Never!! 🙊🙊🙊 I’m all panic and no disco.

It’s not every day you get the opportunity to help save a life. I mean, my husband is a fire fighter so actually it is basically every day he does get that opportunity [🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 always a competition with him 😂😂😂] but like.. it’s not commonplace for me except for all those monkey bar incidents with my kids. All it took was some paperwork and a bit of a prick [and that’s just my husband 😂😂😂😂] and only 10 minutes to give 470ml of life saving liquid gold. Or.. like 8 minutes 47 for old gigantor veins I’m married to. I lost time at the beginning because of my delicate veins though.. just sayin... #competitivewho ? Anyway @redcrossbloodau is always there ready and waiting to accept new donors, so get in there and do something that makes a difference! Do you give blood?

FYI I’m told beard stroking increases concentration and cognitive ability. Science has also shown that beards rarely sleep. Beards are almost completely immune to sarcasm. Also let’s you instinctively know where the nearest mountain is. Dramatically increases one’s wood chopping abilities. #restingbeardface [When yer jazz hands get in the way of some dude’s beard 🤷🏻‍♀️ #alwaystheway #howinconvenient]

So yeah. Today I took my daughter out in public in a too small dress, paired with too big tights, with unbrushed hair, glitter glue I CANNOT get off her face from the WEEKEND, and yep, a sleeveless dress [tank top?????] when it was 14 degrees outside. Shoes in my handbag because she had a blister from the boots I couldn’t get her out of the day before. I mean, I TRIED. But lemme tell ya it doesn’t feeeeel like I did when there are babies crawling around in structured denim jackets, cuffed seed baby harems in an on trend geometric print and tan leather boots 😂😂😂 I mean those fucking babies were dressed better than I was!!! What hope do I have 😂😂😂

There ain’t much in life that can’t be fixed with a little smudge of blush. Actually... there’s a shit ton that can’t be fixed by it, but you appreciate the sentiment. You know what would fix a whole lot of things tho? Cash, liposuction and 45 minutes with a Hemsworth 😂😂😂

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