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Sex after kids: sometimes you can’t be f*cked

March 24, 2019March 24, 2019 ~ eenie meenie miney mum ~ 1 Comment

the truth OK, so you might have heard a lot about how “parent sex” is basically what happens in the bathroom with the door locked in the 5 minutes the kids are distracted by ABC2.

I’m not gonna lie though, Continue reading →

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If you don’t have an in built, mystical, well worn, cognitive ability to scout out every public toilet between here and the Milky Way, are you even a parent?

Can someone tell me when zoo entry fees started costing more than a full head of foils? Kthnxbye. . . . . . . . . . . . . #adelaide #radelaide #mumblog #mummyblog #mumblogger #lifeofamum #wifelife #adelaidemum #mumsofadelaide #mumlife #mother #parent #momlife #mumofthree #samum #family #parenting #adelaideparents #kidsinadelaide #kids #adelaidewriter #adelaidefreelancer #zoossa #adelaidezoo #wallsofadelaide #adelaidean #wallcharades #writer #freelancewriter

My best friend tells people we met through a “friend seeking friend” personal ad, placed by me 🤣🤣🤣 We somehow run with this version of events, because the real way we met is almost worse 🤣🤣 but perhaps a story for another day #ornever. One of the many ways I know she’s my best friend is that she only mutters swear words under her breath [as opposed to loudly at me with accompanying airborne stabby utensils directed at my head] when I force her to follow me from location to location taking cool aesthetic photos of me, or, indeed, photographing me photographing her ice cream for Instagram. #whenyouknowyouknow And also she knows all my secrets so it’s keep her or kill her at this point 🤷‍♀️🤣 Tag your bestie and tell me how you met! Was she sleeping with your future ex boyfriend [here’s hoping not], was she your call centre operator at Centrelink [cos that often ends in friendship 🤣🤣]? Did she buy your kids soccer boots from marketplace [and did you give her a good price]? Is she a he? Spill! I want names, I want dates, I want places, I want awkward details!

Guys, remember that time when I was 35 and having a midlife crisis and went out and got my first tattoo? No? Well if you didn’t know already, now you do. Sometimes people [generally the kind who make jokes about not being able to afford new jeans when you rock up wearing a farrrshunably ripped pair; I bought them like this thanks for asking, Brenda] ask me why I would do something so stupid when I was 35! It’s not like I have the excuse of being 19 and drunk and getting a dolphin tattooed on my ankle. I was a grown woman! A mother! A semi responsible human being [ha ha, a likely story]. What will people think of me when I am 70 and have a visible tattoo 😱😱😱😱 [two actually, but that’s a story for another day]. So here’s what I’m hoping; I’m hoping that by 70, we will be surrounded by humans that support the idea of individual choice and self expression and don’t make judgements about some squiggly ink on someone’s arm. My heart on my sleeve means more to me today than it did two years ago and I haven’t regretted it even one time. Not even when someone commented that it could be an upside down ball bag. Don’t project angst onto me for your weirdly symmetrical scrotum buddy. It makes me happy [the tattoo, not symmetrical ball sacks, altho... now that you mention it...], it reminds me to be bold and unapologetic [unless I need to apologise for something which #spoileralert, I often, often, do, because I.am.angry.when.hungry]. It reminds me that I can do things that make me feel alive and not care what other people think!! I hope everyone has something in their lives that makes them feel like this. And, side note; yes my jewellery looks like it was purchased for an 8 year old. Each of these bracelets holds a meaning for me that I’ll probably never share, but they remind me of times and places and people. And also, I had to edit this to remove excessive exclamation mark use, am I the only one that does this??? What simple things make you happy in life that you will never apologise for? #beyoutiful

When I was 15, I was fairly convinced that rollerblading was the absolute height of coolness. Probably something [everything] to do with the Mmmbop video clip. I saved up my money and bought a “wicked” pair of k2 “blades” which was the brand that all the “very cool” local skater boys that were definitely two years younger than me, were absolutely using after school when they were illegally tagging the townhall. I spent hours teaching myself to jump off curbs and ensuring As Many People As Possible knew I was a “blader” because how are people supposed to know how cool you are if you’re not giving them all the evidentiary support? I had my first boyfriend at the time [who incidentally went on to invent esky/stumps aka The Aussie Cricket Cooler #whatacatch🤣] and if I went out after school, I had to clarify with my mum, in.great.detail that, if he were to call [which definitely I had told him to], she had to tell Adam, not just that I wasn’t home, but specifically that I was “out blading” because clearly this is how one impresses boys, and also the word “rollerblading” is 14% less cool than the word “blading”. Obviously. And if he didn’t happen to call to receive this vital information on my whereabouts you can bet as soon as he logged into ICQ that night I would have been quick to mention it. Because if you don’t get to drop into conversation that you were out “blading” are you even a blader? All of this irrelevant information springs to mind because we took our kids ice skating today and being back on “blades” [as it were] brought flash backs of just how fucking cool I actually was at 15 years old. Spoiler alert; not very. 🤣 Did you have anything as a teen that you thought made you approximately 45.2% cooler than other people? Also yes; I am wearing this mustard puffer jacket AGAIN.

Feeling an evening of very Uncouth Wine Clinking™ ahead or at the very least some sort of coconut based soupy foodstuffs that I Did Not Cook. It’s not been the easiest of days, friends. As many of you know I lost my mum one year ago today and, well, in terms of shitefest crapped up anniversaries nobody ever asked for, that takes the cake for me. Which is precisely what I ate a lot of today. Cake. Hot cinnamon donuts [absolute top of the deep fried food hierarchy and if you disagree, fight me]. Aldi chocolate. Choc caramel slice. I mean, I’m basically sudden onset type two diabetic at this point. But if you can’t put yourself into a near sugar coma at times like this, when can you? I also had to survive playing mini golf with my children so it was either that or some form of sedative 🤷‍♀️

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